From: NB26@zone.com

To: Bee1984@gmail.com

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?

Listen you tight-fisted pea-brained grouse-shooting tweedy twat, you may own half the fucking countryside but you don't own me. You think I like hounding you? You think this is fun for me? But if you think I'm just going to lie back and let you screw me over like you no doubt screw over everyone who comes into your entitled orbit of damp lolling spaniels, vintage Land Rovers and Eton-induced PTSD then you've got another think coming.

DO THE RIGHT THING FOR ONCE IN YOUR BADGER-BAITING FOX-SLAUGHTERING LIFE.

 

From: Bee1984@gmail.com  

To: NB26@zone.com

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?  

Hi.  

You might want to double-check the recipient address. Far as I know, I've never owned a Land Rover & have definitely never been to Eton (don't have the right equipment). Or is this a fiendishly creative scam & you're using my response to embed malware? If so, you got me. Enjoy!

 

From: NB26@zone.com  

To: Bee1984@gmail.com  

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?  

Gawd. I'm so bloody sorry. Using a new account and mis-copied the address. Angry fingers. Thanks for replying and letting me know. Sorry you had to read that, whoever you are.

 

From: Bee1984@gmail.com  

To: NB26@zone.com  

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?  

TBH almost didn't reply, but that was some impressive Malcolm Tucker-grade cursing you did there, & I was intrigued. Did the intended recipient kill your cat or something?

 

From: NB26@zone.com  

To: Bee1984@gmail.com  

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?  

Worse. Didn't pay me for work owed. That's the toned-down version believe it or not. Took out all the "C" words at the last minute. There were a lot of those.

 

From: Bee1984@gmail.com  

To: NB26@zone.com  

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?  

What kind of work? You don't have to answer obvs, I'm killing time. Don't usually strike up conversations with complete strangers, I swear!

 

From: NB26@zone.com  

To: Bee1984@gmail.com  

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?  

You deserve an answer--I did unintentionally call you a twat. I'm a freelance editor and my tweedy arse of a client commissioned me to edit his novel. Ended up rewriting the thing, pretty much from scratch. Sent it to him 2 months ago. No feedback. No payment. Nada.

 

From: Bee1984@gmail.com  

To: NB26@zone.com  

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?  

Very sorry to hear that. What was the novel about? The Girl in the Grouse Shoot?

 

From: NB26@zone.com  

To: Bee1984@gmail.com  

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?  

HA! Close! You really want to know?

 

From: Bee1984@gmail.com  

To: NB26@zone.com  

Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?  

Sure. You'll be saving me from the perils of online shopping. I've already bought a duvet cover with David Bowie's face on it that I don't need.

Excerpted from The Impossible Us by Sarah Lotz. Copyright © 2022 by Sarah Lotz. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.