Book Club Discussion Questions and Guide for Middle Spoon by Alejandro Varela

1. Middle Spoon offers us a radical reimagination of what relationships and domestic life could look like. What was your initial reaction to the narrator's love life and family structure? Did this book change the way that you view polyamory—or relationships in general?
2. Did you resonate with the narrator's struggle to cope with his breakup? How does he fight to reach the other side of his grief, and what are some complications he runs into along the way? At what point do you think he finds peace with the way his relationship with Ben has played out?
3. As he works through his heartbreak, the narrator comes to rely heavily on his support network, which includes his husband, his therapists, his friend Traci, and others in his social circles. In what ways does their advice overlap or differ? Did you find yourself agreeing with some of their suggestions and disagreeing with others?
4. On the other side, the narrator faces judgment from people who don't understand or accept his lifestyle, such as his sister and his friend David. What reasons do they give for disapproving of his relationship with Ben? What roots do these reasons share? Why do you think polyamorous relationships tend to elicit such strong reactions? What societal factors contribute to this?
5. How do other stressors in the narrator's life compound his difficulties in navigating his breakup? In what ways do the narrator's identities, upbringing, and mental health influence the way that he processes getting broken up with?
6. Did you agree with the narrator's decision to be open with Nico about his breakup? How does the narrator balance his obligations as a parent with the need to care for himself and manage his relationships? How does he factor his children into the possibilities he envisions for reconciling with Ben?
7. At one point in the novel, the narrator muses on a scenario in which he travels back in time to find Ben before his husband and doesn't meet his husband until much later in life, only for them to never quite click. What do you think is the significance of this anecdote? What does it say about the conditions under which love takes root?
8. How do Ben and the narrator's husband occupy different niches in the narrator's life? What needs do they each fulfill, and how do they complement each other? Do you think the narrator is unrealistic or selfish in hoping that these needs get met?
9. The narrator mentions that he feels like a "minus eater"—an ophthalmological term that he equates with being "a person who wants more even when he's had enough." Do you think this is fair of him to say about himself? What do you think contributes to his insecurities around intimacy with others?
10. Middle Spoon is told through a series of email drafts penned to the narrator's ex-boyfriend. What did you think of the choice to tell this story in this way? How does this format affect the way you understand the narrator's journey? What details and perspectives are left out?
11. Noting that he has become a "poster boy for polyamory," the narrator says, "I didn't set out to be a pioneer... . And yet, here I am desiring attention from multiple people while advocating for a family structure that will no doubt draw unwanted scrutiny." How does this attention—both wanted and unwanted—impact the narrator throughout the book? How does the narrator manage this scrutiny? Have you ever felt judgment or pressure because of aspects of your life that stand out from those around you?
12. What did you think of the book's resolution? Do you think that the narrator has figured out a sustainable arrangement among his husband, his family, and Ben?

Unless otherwise stated, this discussion guide is reprinted with the permission of Viking. Any page references refer to a USA edition of the book, usually the trade paperback version, and may vary in other editions.