STEP TWO. Here we go again: But seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here, unless you want me to solve some mysteries that have totally baffled the human race, such as what is the true meaning of life, and whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe and which, really, is the best long-distance carrier for you. Would you like me to tell you those things? You would? OK! I will, then! But first I want to tell you exactly who was responsible for the Kennedy assassination. Ready? Here goes: The Kennedy assassination was committed by

STEP THREE. Here we go again: But seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here, unless you want me to solve some mysteries that have totally baffled the human race, such as what is the true meaning of life, and whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe and which, really, is the best long-distance carrier for you. Would you like me to tell you those things? You would? OK! I will, then! But first I want to tell you exactly who was responsible for the Kennedy assassination. Ready? Here goes: The Kennedy assassination was committed by

STEP FOUR.Here we go again: But seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here, unless you want me to solve some mysteries that have totally baffled the human race, such as what is the true meaning of life, and whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe and which, really, is the best long-distance carrier for you. Would you like me to tell you those things? You would? OK! I will, then! But first I want to tell you exactly who was responsible for the Kennedy assassination. Ready? Here goes: The Kennedy assassination was committed by

GO BACK TO STEP ONE. Here we go again: But seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here, unless you want me to solve some mysteries that have totally baffled the human race, such as what is the true meaning of life, and whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe and which, really, is the best long-distance carrier for you. Would you like me to tell you those things? You would? OK! I will, then! But first I want to tell you exactly who was responsible for the Kennedy assassination. Ready? Here goes: The Kennedy assassination was committed by


But these days I just toss the instructions aside and start assembling the product. And you know what? I've found that, using nothing but my common sense and natural mechanical ability, I actually finish the assembly process faster than before! Granted, most of the time the products don't work. But they rarely worked even when I could read the instructions, so I figure I'm ahead.

And the inability to read is not the only good thing about turning 50. There's also the fact that you've reached the point in life where you accept the fact that you cannot possibly be hip.

Actually, I don't even know whether "hip" is the word for hip anymore. And I don't have to care! That's the point! Even if I knew how to talk hip, or dress hip, or listen to hip music-even if I knew everything about what currently, at this particular nanosecond in our culture constitutes hipness-I am still, on account of my age, automatically disqualified. What a relief! I'm over the Hipness Hump!

I can remember when I wasn't. There was a brief period, during my college years, when as far as I can tell, I actually was kind of hip, as measured by the standards of The Sixties. Then I went through a long, murky phase--from my 20s through my 40s--when my hipness was steadily draining away, but I would still feel a nagging obligation to participate in trends. The problem was that, as an aging person, I was no longer capable of distinguishing between the trends that were in fact hip and the ones that were just stupid.

For example, do you remember the period--I think it was during the Seventies--when some guys would turn up the collars on their sports jackets? The first time I saw this look-it was on a guy in an elevator in New York City--I thought it was a mistake, and I told the guy, as a friendly gesture, "Your jacket collar is up." He looked at me as though I were a manure-encrusted pig farmer who had just told him that ice was actually frozen water.

From Dave Barry Turns 50 by Dave Barry. Copyright October 1998 Dave Barry Used by permission.