It is a testament to my upbringing, and perhaps the Kaka and good angel story has something to do with this as well, that I remain silent now, at this particular time.
"I dont deserve a statue," my father says. But at this very instant he does look like one, like the Madonna of humility, contemplating her losses in the dust, or an Ancient Egyptian funerary priest, kneeling with his hands prayerfully folded on his lap.
"Ka," he says, "when I took you to the Brooklyn Museum, I would stand there for hours admiring them. But all you noticed was how there were pieces missing from them, eyes, noses, legs, sometimes even heads. You always noticed more what was not there than what was."
Of course, this way of looking at things was why I ultimately began sculpting in the first place, to make statues that would amaze my father even more than these ancient relics.
"Ka, I am like one of those statues," he says.
"An Ancient Egyptian?" I hear echoes of my loud, derisive laugh only after Ive been laughing for a while. Its the only weapon I have now, the only way I know to take my revenge on my father.
"Dont do that," he says, frowning, irritated, almost shouting over my laughter. "Why do that? If you are mad, let yourself be mad. Why do you always laugh like a clown when you are angry?"
I tend to wave my hands about wildly when I laugh, but I dont notice Im doing that now until he reaches over to grab them. I quickly move them away, but he ends up catching my right wrist, the same wrist Officer Bo had stroked earlier to make me shut up. My father holds on to it so tightly now that I feel his fingers crushing the bone, almost splitting it apart, and I cant laugh anymore.
"Let go," I say, and he releases my wrist quickly. He looks down at his own fingers, then lowers his hand to his lap.
My wrist is still throbbing. I keep stroking it to relieve some of the pain. Its the ache there that makes me want to cry more than anything, not so much this sudden, uncharacteristic flash of anger from my father.
"Im sorry," he says. "I did not want to hurt you. I did not want to hurt anyone."
I keep rubbing my wrist, hoping hell feel even sorrier, even guiltier for grabbing me so hard, but even more for throwing away my work.
"Ka, I dont deserve a statue," he says again, this time much more slowly, "not a whole one, at least. You see, Ka, your father was the hunter, he was not the prey."
I stop stroking my wrist, sensing something coming that might hurt much more. Hes silent again. I dont want to prod him, feed him any cues, urge him to speak, but finally I get tired of the silence and feel I have no choice but to ask, "What are you talking about?"
I immediately regret the question. Is he going to explain why he and my mother have no close friends, why theyve never had anyone over to the house, why they never speak of any relatives in Haiti or anywhere else, or have never returned there or, even after I learned Creole from them, have never taught me anything else about the country beyond what I could find out on my own, on the television, in newspapers, in books? Is he about to tell me why Manman is so pious? Why she goes to daily Mass? I am not sure I want to know anything more than the little theyve chosen to share with me all these years, but it is clear to me that he needs to tell me, has been trying to for a long time.
"We have a proverb," he continues. "One day for the hunter, one day for the prey. Ka, your father was the hunter, he was not the prey."
Each word is now hard-won as it leaves my fathers mouth, balanced like those hearts on the Ancient Egyptian scales.
"Ka, I was never in prison," he says.
"Okay," I say, sounding like I am fourteen again, chanting from what my mother used to call the meaningless adolescent chorus, just to sound like everyone else my age.
Excerpted from The Dew Breaker by Edwidge Danticat Copyright© 2004 by Edwidge Danticat. Excerpted by permission of Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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