Soo-Ja's father says "When you let me be your father and let me worry about you...you’re doing a favor to me" - Do you think this statement applies to all parents?

After hearing about Soo-Ja’s ordeal when Hana was lost, her father tells her, “When you let me be your father and let me worry about you, care for you, and even suffer for you, you’re not doing a favor to yourself, you’re doing a favor to me. When you need me, I am alive.” (p. 177) Do you think this statement applies to all parents?

It applies to this parent. If i could take all of my children's burdens and allow them just to live and love, it would be wonderful

At first that's exactly what I would say, rebajane. But when I think more about it, what happens when you're gone and they don't know how to handle life without that crutch to help them get through everything? It's tough seeing your kids get hurt though. I understand where you're coming from.

Do you think Soo-ja's father realized how unhappy she really was, married to Min and living with his family?

I don't believe that Soo-Ja's father was trying to take the burden of her problems over for her. That would be impossible. I believe that all he was saying was that he wanted to be a part of her life and that she should feel free to share her burdens with him which would foster a closer relationship between them.

I think that most parents feel this way as they want to stay connected and share lifes joys and sorrows with their children. It goes back to the fact that for most of us, once a parent, always a parent regardless of the ages of our children. We could go back to The Sometimes Daughter to see that some parents are never really parents.

irisf,

I like what you're saying here - your take on the question.

I believe Soo-Ja's father was a very good man and always wanted what was best for his daughter, no matter how controlling he seemed at first. He was concerned for her and wanted to help pave the way for her to be taken care of in their specific society, even if it didn't always match what his daughter wanted.

As a parent he believed he knew better, having seen more of the world. But love can't always guarantee happiness, unfortunately. He couldn't make her decisions for her and had to let her fail at times. That's definitely one of the most difficult aspects of parenting.

It would be interesting to think about the next generation, how Soo-Ja's parenting affected her own girls and how Min's style was so different. He gave them everything and she was the "tough love" parent. With such different parenting styles, what impact must that have on a child? Mixed messages must be difficult for children.

No..I do not think it applies to all parents. It is a nice gesture But young adults do not necessarily need to carry this..it could become a burden to independence.

Soo-ja's father was like any parent that loves their child. It doesn't matter how old they are or if you are still responsible for them or not. As a parent you suffer for them and want the best for them. My son is in the Navy and has moved often. I am never satisfied until I have at least visited him and seen where he is living and what it is like. I then have a context to, I guess, worry about him in!

My oldest is going off to college next fall - my first fledgling leaving the nest! She's very mature and definitely ready, but the idea of her being "out there," at the mercy of people I don't know is really scary to me.

Soo-Ja's story resonates with me for that reason, because one of my children is leaving the safety of home and I'll be several hours away instead of several minutes. But I'm also happy for her. I went away to school and it was the absolute best time of my life. For that I envy her!

Unlike Soo-Ja, my daughter's following her dream of studying to become a psychologist. I've spent the past 18 years encouraging her to become what will make her most happy and make marriage and kids wait as long as that takes. First and foremost, I want her to follow her own path.

Next are my two boys, ages 14 and 16... But I can't think about that 'til I've "launched" my daughter first!

I think this does relate to most parents. I love the saying that a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child- so true. I think her father felt badly because he had denied her the way to diplomatic school so he constantly worried that her life would not turn out well.

I agree Soo-Ja's father grieved due to his part in thwarting Soo-Ja's dream. That makes him so different from Min's father, whose motives were selfish.

I think so. We may not agree with our parents' advice but they do want the best for us and they feel good when they can can help.

Tough question. I think it depends on the situation. For worries that can be controlled or helped by parental advice or intervention, I think every parent would want to take on that worry. For those that can't be helped, I think the children need to learn some coping skills on their own.

I think that this is the perfect response for a parent from the 60's or 70's, but perhaps not so much today. I'm just turned 50 and this is still the type of things that my parents continue to say. I don't think it's an issue of control so much as it is the concept people of different generation have about good parenting.

These days children are more likely to be "boomerangs," forced to come back home when they find their degree isn't opening any doors in this economy. I've told my kids they can always live with us, though the logical part of me says they should have to pay some sort of rent or at least help with groceries - assuming they find a job at all, I mean. It's a whole different world out there now.

I agree with LisaG - if adult children return to live with parents they should take a role in the house, if for no other reason than for their own self-respect. Even if they can't contribute financially there's still plenty they can do. With children of 16 and 18, we're getting close to being "empty-nesters" but I wonder how long it will be for and how we'd rise to the challenge of them coming home to live with us a adults. My guess is that, like most aspects of parenting, my easy assumptions would look very different in reality!

Most certainly! The hardest thing to do as a parent is to "let go". I tried to begin doing that in little ways as soon as my daughter reached middle school .... gradually adding more of her own decisions and less of mine as time progressed. It was very hard at times and she stumbled a few times, but I was still there to pick her up and use the stumbles as teaching opportunities. When they physically leave the home for college or other vistas, they HAVE to have the skills and judgement to make safe, good decisions for themselves. It's naive on the part of parents who keep them on a tight leash to expect them not to fail when they leave home and have no leash at all. From that point on, we live for the day when our opinion is sought on the new level of adult to adult. How rewarding it is when that day arrives and your child starts consulting with you on a regular basis about their adult life situations .... and allows you to "worry" about them again without being threatened by a loss of self on their part.

No, I do not. Not in the western world. This belief system is essentially patriarchal, a way to control!The role of a parent is to raise one's children to grow up to be independent, self sufficient, and capable of making mistakes and learning to live with choices. Once a child reaches adulthood, he/she needs to learn to make decisions and live with the outcome. Parents who allow their adult children to come home and stay indefinitely and without any contribution to the household are essentially re-enforcing the entitlement syndrome. There are jobs out there. They may not be one's dream job - but working as a waiter, a greeter at Walmart, etc build character and teach one the value of work and the dollar. The economy is fluid and there are ebbs and flows of jobs growth and losses that are cyclical. My first job out of university was not one I even knew existed when I interviewed - but I was offered a position in a challenging economy and took it. It turned into a solid career. Parents do worry - but they should not allow their offspring to abdicate from finding their own paths. Instead - pushing them out of the nest and offering a safety net is the healthy thing to do. The hovering helicopter parents of today are creating a new generation of welfare recipients - just not funded (yet) by the federal government.

vivianh,

Interesting perspective. I like your point about finding a job you didn't know existed. In trying to help my own children find a career to pursue in the future I've been stumbling across jobs I'd never heard of before, or just never thought of, like the actuary profession. I'm doing my best to introduce them to possibilities they don't realize they have.

But I, too, worry about the entitlement issue.