Excerpt from Our Dumb Century by Scott Dikkers & The Staff of The Onion, plus links to reviews, author biography & more

Summary |  Excerpt |  Reviews |  Readalikes |  Genres & Themes |  Author Bio

Our Dumb Century

100 Years of Headlines from America's Finest News Source

by Scott Dikkers & The Staff of The Onion

Our Dumb Century
  • Critics' Opinion:

    Readers' Opinion:

     Not Yet Rated
  • Paperback:
    Apr 1999, 164 pages

  • Rate this book


Buy This Book

About this Book

Print Excerpt


The mortally wounded president was sped to nearby Parland Hospital, where doctors with ties to Johnson's inner circle performed a staged autopsy. They pronounced him dead at 2:18 p.m. CST.

The body was then chemically treated by J. Edgar Hoover and put in a decoy casket for transport to Roswell, New Mexico. There, space aliens using medical technology beyond the knowledge of man sealed Kennedy's 129 wounds. Kennedy's corpse was then reanimated and rushed to Germany for an emergency meeting with the frozen brain of Adolf Hitler.

After the meeting, Kennedy aides announced plans for the two leaders' sperm cells to be atomically sustained, planted in the womb of aspiring actress Judith Campbell, and grown into a super-race of 21st-century conquerors.

According to investigators, the assassination appears to have been carefully planned and carried out in strict accordance with both the Skull-and-Bones Blood Rite and Masonic "Killing of the King" rituals.

Officers found several hundred weapons within a four-block radius of the shooting site, including telescope-sighted Weatherby Magnum rifles, Italian bolt-action 6.5mm carbines, Thompson submachine guns, Russian Kalishnikov assault rifles, and one ray-gun.

The assembled killers were taken into police custody at Dallas City Hall. As they were being transferred to the county prison however, all 43 were shot and killed by Jack Ruby, 52, a Dallas-area nightclub owner.


THE ONION, Tuesday, April 20, 1943

TOP U.S. NAVAL INTELLIGENCE REPORTS, 'THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A DAME'

'No Book's Like a Dame, Nothing Looks Like a Dame,' Says South Pacific Command

CABLE REPORT FROM THE PACIFIC THEATRE--

According to U.S. Intelligence officers stationed in the South Pacific, there is not anything like a dame.

Details of the report indicate that there is nothing like a dame in the known world.

"Lots of things in life are beautiful, but brother," read the secretly coded message that arrived on President Roosevelt's desk in Washington at 7 a.m. EST Sunday, "there is one particular thing that is nothing whatsoever in any way, shape, or form like any other."

"There is nothing like a dame," the message repeated.

While most details of the report remain classified -- for fear of providing the hated German enemy with any advantage -- the following information has been cleared by the War Department for release.

There are no books like a dame; nothing looks like a dame; there are no drinks like a dame; nothing thinks like a dame.

This new dame-related intelligence is expected to greatly improve the health of injured American solders. "Thousands of our boys are badly wounded every day by Japs and Jerrys," said Army doctor Martin Purcell, speaking from a makeshift hospital on a tiny, coconut-covered Pacific island. "But as we now know, there ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here that can't be cured by putting him near a girly, womanly, female, feminine dame."

A full version of Monday's report will be printed, set to music, and performed around the country.


THE ONION, Monday, January 1, 1900
News From Rome

VATICAN CONDEMNS 'RHYTHM METHOD.'

Pontiff Excoriates Infidels for Fiendish 'Sin by the Calendar.'

Releases Papal Edict Outlining Forbidden Family Practices.

Italians in Attendance Vow to People the Earth.

VATICAN CITY, DEC 31--

In a proclamation rife with the righteous anger befitting a clergyman of his most exalted station, His Holiness the Pope, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Leader of all Christians of the World, lashed out at those with the effrontery to use the calendar to defeat God's purpose of peopling the globe.

Membership Advantages
  • Reviews
  • "Beyond the Book" backstories
  • Free books to read and review (US only)
  • Find books by time period, setting & theme
  • Read-alike suggestions by book and author
  • Book club discussions
  • and much more!
  • Just $10 for 3 months or $35 for a year
  • More about membership!

Support BookBrowse

Become a Member
and discover your next great read!

Join Today!

Book Discussion
Book Jacket
The Opposite of Everyone
by Joshilyn Jackson

"Quirky and appealing characters, an engaging story, and honest dialogue make this a great book!"
- BookBrowse

About the book
Join the discussion!

Editor's Choice

  • Book Jacket: Holding Up the Universe
    Holding Up the Universe
    by Jennifer Niven
    Jennifer Niven's spectacular Holding Up the Universe has everything that I love about Young ...
  • Book Jacket: Coffin Road
    Coffin Road
    by Peter May
    From its richly atmospheric opening to its dramatic conclusion, Peter May's Coffin Road is a ...
  • Book Jacket: The Guineveres
    The Guineveres
    by Sarah Domet
    It's a human need to know one's own identity, to belong to someone, to yearn for a place ...

First Impressions

  • Book Jacket

    Victoria
    by Daisy Goodwin

    Daisy Goodwin breathes new life into Victoria's story, and does so with sensitivity, verve, and wit." - Amanda Foreman

    Read Member Reviews

Win this book!
Win All the Gallant Men

All The Gallant Men

The first memoir by a USS Arizona survivor, 75 years after Pearl Harbor.

Enter

Word Play

Solve this clue:

K Y Eyes P

and be entered to win..

Books that     
entertain,
     engage

 & enlighten

Visitors can view some of BookBrowse for free. Full access is for members only.

Join Today!

Your guide toexceptional          books

BookBrowse seeks out and recommends books that we believe to be best in class. Books that will whisk you to faraway places and times, that will expand your mind and challenge you -- the kinds of books you just can't wait to tell your friends about.

 
X

Free Weekly Newsletter

Keep up with what's happening in the world of books:
Reviews, previews, interviews and more!



Spam Free: Your email is never shared with anyone; opt out any time.