"Erm . . . let me think."
Then there was this slurp-slurp noise.
She was making slurping noises.
"Jas, what are you eating?"
"I'm sucking my pen top so I can think better."
Sacré bloody bleu, I have got le idiot for a pal. Forty-nine centuries of pen sucking later she said, "No, he hasn't said anything."
Why hasn't Robbie mentioned me? Hasn't he got snogging withdrawal?
I can hear Vati singing "If I Ruled the World." Good Lord. I have only just recovered from a very bad bout of pretend lurgy. He has no consideration for others.
The worsterosity of it is that the Loonleader (my vati) has returned from Kiwi-a-gogo land and I thought he would be there for ages. But sadly life was against me and he has returned. Not content with that, he has insisted we all go to Och Aye land to "bond" on a family holiday.
However . . . nananana and who-gives-two-short-flying-pigs'-botties? Because I live in Love Heaven.
I am the girlfriend of a Sex God!!
The Sex God said I should phone him when I get back from Scotland. But there is a fly in his ointment . . . I am not going to Scotland!!! My plan is this, everyone else goes to Scotland and . . . I don't! Simple enough, I think, for anyone to understand.
operation explain-brilliant-not-going-to-scotland plan to mutti and vati
The olds were slumped in front of the tv canoodling and drinking wine. They are so childish. I had to leave the room in the end because Dad did this really disgusting thing. They were laughing and grappling about on the sofa and they did number five on the snogging scale (open-mouth kissing). Honestly. I mean it. There might even have been a suggestion of six (tongues). Erlack a pongoes!!!! Libby was there as well. Laughing along. It can't be healthy for a toddler to be exposed to porn.
The foregoing is excerpted from Knocked Out by My Nunga-Nungas by Louise Rennison. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission from HarperCollins Publishers, 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.
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