Water for Elephants: A Novel
by Sara Gruen
Prologue
Only three people were left under the red and white
awning of the grease joint: Grady, me, and the fry cook. Grady and I sat at a
battered wooden table, each facing a burger on a dented tin plate. The cook was
behind the counter, scraping his griddle with the edge of a spatula. He had
turned off the fryer some time ago, but the odor of grease lingered.
The rest of the midwayso recently writhing with
peoplewas empty but for a handful of employees and a small group of men waiting
to be led to the cooch tent. They glanced nervously from side to side, with hats pulled low and hands thrust deep in their pockets. They
wouldn't be disappointed: somewhere in the back Barbara and her ample charms
awaited.
The other townsfolkrubes, as Uncle Al called themhad
already made their way through the menagerie tent and into the big top, which
pulsed with frenetic music. The band was whipping through its repertoire at the
usual earsplitting volume. I knew the routine by heartat this very moment, the
tail end of the Grand Spectacle was exiting and Lottie, the aerialist, was
ascending her rigging in the center ring.
I stared at Grady, trying to process what he was saying.
He glanced around and leaned in closer.
"Besides," he said, locking eyes with me, "it seems to me
you've got a lot to lose right now." He raised his eyebrows for emphasis. My
heart skipped a beat.
Thunderous applause exploded from the big top, and the
band slid seamlessly into the Gounod waltz. I turned instinctively toward the
menagerie because this was the cue for the elephant act. Marlena was either
preparing to mount or was already sitting on Rosie's head.
"I've got to go," I said.
"Sit," said Grady. "Eat. If you're thinking of clearing
out, it may be a while before you see food again."
That moment, the music screeched to a halt. There was an
ungodly collision of brass, reed, and percussiontrombones and piccolos skidded
into cacophony, a tuba farted, and the hollow clang of a cymbal wavered out of
the big top, over our heads and into oblivion.
Grady froze, crouched over his burger with his pinkies
extended and lips spread wide.
I looked from side to side. No one moved a muscleall
eyes were directed at the big top. A few wisps of hay swirled lazily across the
hard dirt.
"What is it? What's going on?" I said.
"Shh," Grady hissed.
The band started up again, playing "Stars and Stripes
Forever."
"Oh Christ. Oh shit!" Grady tossed his food onto the
table and leapt up, knocking over the bench.
"What? What is it?" I yelled, because he was already
running away from me.
"The Disaster March!" he screamed over his shoulder.
I jerked around to the fry cook, who was ripping off his
apron. "What the hell's he talking about?"
"The Disaster March," he said, wrestling the apron over
his head. "Means something's gone badreal bad."
"Like what?"
"Could be anythingfire in the big top, stampede,
whatever. Aw sweet Jesus. The poor rubes probably don't even know it yet." He
ducked under the hinged door and took off.
Chaoscandy butchers vaulting over counters, workmen
staggering out from under tent flaps, roustabouts racing headlong across the
lot. Anyone and everyone associated with the Benzini Brothers Most Spectacular
Show on Earth barreled toward the big top.
Diamond Joe passed me at the human equivalent of a full
gallop. "Jacobit's the menagerie," he screamed. "The animals are loose. Go, go,
go!"
He didn't need to tell me twice. Marlena was in that
tent.
A rumble coursed through me as I approached, and it
scared the hell out of me because it was on a register lower than noise. The
ground was vibrating.
I staggered inside and met a wall of yaka great expanse
of curly-haired chest and churning hooves, of flared red nostrils and spinning
eyes. It galloped past so close I leapt backward on tiptoe, flush with the
canvas to avoid being impaled on one of its crooked horns. A terrified hyena
clung to its shoulders.
The concession stand in the center of the tent had been
flattened, and in its place was a roiling mass of spots and stripesof haunches,
heels, tails, and claws, all of it roaring, screeching, bellowing, or whinnying.
A polar bear towered above it all, slashing blindly with skillet-sized paws. It
made contact with a llama and knocked it flatBOOM. The llama hit the ground,
its neck and legs splayed like the five points of a star. Chimps screamed and
chattered, swinging on ropes to stay above the cats. A wild-eyed zebra zigzagged
too close to a crouching lion, who swiped, missed, and darted away, his belly
close to the ground.
My eyes swept the tent, desperate to find Marlena.
Instead I saw a cat slide through the connection leading to the big topit was a
panther, and as its lithe black body disappeared into the canvas tunnel I braced
myself. If the rubes didn't know, they were about to find out. It took several
seconds to come, but come it didone prolonged shriek followed by another, and
then another, and then the whole place exploded with the thunderous sound of
bodies trying to shove past other bodies and off the stands. The band screeched
to a halt for a second time, and this time stayed silent. I shut my eyes: Please
God let them leave by the back end. Please God don't let them try to come
through here.
I opened my eyes again and scanned the menagerie, frantic
to find her. How hard can it be to find a girl and an elephant, for Christ's
sake?
When I caught sight of her pink sequins, I nearly cried
out in relief - maybe I did. I don't remember.
She was on the opposite side, standing against the
sidewall, calm as a summer day. Her sequins flashed like liquid diamonds, a
shimmering beacon between the multicolored hides. She saw me, too, and held my
gaze for what seemed like forever. She was cool, languid. Smiling even. I
started pushing my way toward her, but something about her expression stopped me
cold.
That son of a bitch was standing with his back to her,
red-faced and bellowing, flapping his arms and swinging his silver-tipped cane.
His high-topped silk hat lay on the straw beside him.
She reached for something. A giraffe passed between
usits long neck bobbing gracefully even in panicand when it was gone I saw
that she'd picked up an iron stake. She held it loosely, resting its end on the
hard dirt. She looked at me again, bemused. Then her gaze shifted to the back of
his bare head.
"Oh Jesus," I said, suddenly understanding. I stumbled
forward, screaming even though there was no hope of my voice reaching her.
"Don't do it! Don't do it!"
She lifted the stake high in the air and brought it down,
splitting his head like a watermelon. His pate opened, his eyes grew wide, and
his mouth froze into an O. He fell to his knees and then toppled forward into
the straw.
I was too stunned to move, even as a young orangutan
flung its elastic arms around my legs.
So long ago. So long. But still it haunts me.
I DON'T TALK MUCH about those days. Never did. I don't
know whyI worked on circuses for nearly seven years, and if that isn't fodder
for conversation, I don't know what is.
Actually I do know why: I never trusted myself. I was
afraid I'd let it slip. I knew how important it was to keep her secret, and keep
it I didfor the rest of her life, and then beyond.
In seventy years, I've never told a blessed soul.
One
I am ninety. Or ninety-three. One or the other.
When you're five, you know your age down to the month.
Even in your twenties you know how old you are. I'm twenty-three, you say, or
maybe twenty-seven. But then in your thirties something strange starts to
happen. It's a mere hiccup at first, an instant of hesitation. How old are you?
Oh, I'myou start confidently, but then you stop. You were going to say
thirty-three, but you're not. You're thirty-five. And then you're bothered,
because you wonder if this is the beginning of the end. It is, of course, but
it's decades before you admit it.
You start to forget words: they're on the tip of your
tongue, but instead of eventually dislodging, they stay there. You go upstairs
to fetch something, and by the time you get there you can't remember what it was
you were after. You call your child by the names of all your other children and
finally the dog before you get to his. Sometimes you forget what day it is. And
finally you forget the year.
Actually, it's not so much that I've forgotten. It's more
like I've stopped keeping track. We're past the millennium, that much I
knowsuch a fuss and bother over nothing, all those young folks clucking with
worry and buying canned food because somebody was too lazy to leave space for
four digits instead of twobut that could have been last month or three years
ago. And besides, what does it really matter? What's the difference between
three weeks or three years or even three decades of mushy peas, tapioca, and
Depends undergarments?
I am ninety. Or ninety-three. One or the other.
EITHER THERE'S BEEN an accident or there's roadwork,
because a gaggle of old ladies is glued to the window at the end of the hall
like children or jailbirds. They're spidery and frail, their hair as fine as
mist. Most of them are a good decade younger than me, and this astounds me. Even
as your body betrays you, your mind denies it.
I'm parked in the hallway with my walker. I've come a
long way since my hip fracture, and thank the Lord for that. For a while it
looked like I wouldn't walk againthat's how I got talked into coming here in
the first placebut every couple of hours I get up and walk a few steps, and
with every day I get a little bit farther before feeling the need to turn
around. There may be life in the old dog yet.
There are five of them now, white-headed old things
huddled together and pointing crooked fingers at the glass. I wait a while to
see if they wander off. They don't.
I glance down, check that my brakes are on, and rise
carefully, steadying myself on the wheelchair's arm while making the perilous
transfer to the walker. Once I'm squared away, I clutch the gray rubber pads on
the arms and shove it forward until my elbows are extended, which turns out to
be exactly one floor tile. I drag my left foot forward, make sure it's steady,
and then pull the other up beside it. Shove, drag, wait, drag. Shove, drag,
wait, drag.
The hallway is long and my feet don't respond the way
they used to. It's not Camel's kind of lameness, thank God, but it slows me down
nonetheless. Poor old Camelit's been years since I thought of him. His feet
flopped loosely at the end of his legs so he had to lift his knees high and
throw them forward. My feet drag, as though they're weighted, and because my
back is stooped I end up looking down at my slippers framed by the walker.
It takes a while to get to the end of the hall, but I
doand on my own pins, too. I'm pleased as punch, although once there I realize
I still have to find my way back.
They part for me, these old ladies. These are the vital
ones, the ones who can either move on their own steam or have friends to wheel
them around. These old girls still have their marbles, and they're good to me.
I'm a rarity herean old man among a sea of widows whose hearts still ache for
their lost men.
"Oh, here," clucks Hazel. "Let's give Jacob a look."
She pulls Dolly's wheelchair a few feet back and shuffles
up beside me, clasping her hands, her milky eyes flashing. "Oh, it's so
exciting! They've been at it all morning!"
I edge up to the glass and raise my face, squinting
against the sunlight. It's so bright it takes a moment for me to make out what's
happening. Then the forms take shape.
In the park at the end of the block is an enormous canvas
tent, thickly striped in white and magenta with an unmistakable peaked top
My ticker lurches so hard I clutch a fist to my chest.
"Jacob! Oh, Jacob!" cries Hazel. "Oh dear! Oh dear!" Her
hands flutter in confusion, and she turns toward the hall. "Nurse! Nurse! Hurry!
It's Mr. Jankowski!"
"I'm fine," I say, coughing and pounding my chest. That's
the problem with these old ladies. They're always afraid you're about to keel
over. "Hazel! I'm fine!"
But it's too late. I hear the squeak-squeak-squeak of
rubber soles, and moments later I'm engulfed by nurses. I guess I won't have to
worry about getting back to my chair after all.
"SO WHAT'S ON the menu tonight?" I grumble as I'm steered
into the dining room. "Porridge? Mushy peas? Pablum? Oh, let me guess, it's
tapioca isn't it? Is it tapioca? Or are we calling it rice pudding tonight?"
"Oh, Mr. Jankowski, you are a card," the nurse says
flatly. She doesn't need to answer, and she knows it. This being Friday, we're
having the usual nutritious but uninteresting combination of meat loaf, creamed
corn, reconstituted mashed potatoes, and gravy that may have been waved over a
piece of beef at some point in its life. And they wonder why I lose weight.
I know some of us don't have teeth, but I do, and I want
pot roast. My wife's, complete with leathery bay leaves. I want carrots. I want
potatoes boiled in their skins. And I want a deep, rich cabernet sauvignon to
wash it all down, not apple juice from a tin. But above all, I want corn on the
cob.
Sometimes I think that if I had to choose between an ear
of corn or making love to a woman, I'd choose the corn. Not that I wouldn't love
to have a final roll in the hayI am a man yet, and some things never diebut
the thought of those sweet kernels bursting between my teeth sure sets my mouth
to watering. It's fantasy, I know that. Neither will happen. I just like to
weigh the options, as though I were standing in front of Solomon: a final roll
in the hay or an ear of corn. What a wonderful dilemma. Sometimes I substitute
an apple for the corn.
Everyone at every table is talking about the circusthose
who can talk, that is. The silent ones, the ones with frozen faces and withered
limbs or whose heads and hands shake too violently to hold utensils, sit around
the edges of the room accompanied by aides who spoon little bits of food into
their mouths and then coax them into masticating. They remind me of baby birds,
except they're lacking all enthusiasm. With the exception of a slight grinding
of the jaw, their faces remain still and horrifyingly vacant. Horrifying because
I'm well aware of the road I'm on. I'm not there yet, but it's coming. There's
only one way to avoid it, and I can't say I much care for that option either.
The nurse parks me in front of my meal. The gravy on the
meat loaf has already formed a skin. I poke experimentally with my fork. Its
meniscus jiggles, mocking me. Disgusted, I look up and lock eyes with Joseph
McGuinty.
He's sitting opposite, a newcomer, an interlopera
retired barrister with a square jaw, pitted nose, and great floppy ears. The
ears remind me of Rosie, although nothing else does. She was a fine soul, and
he'swell, he's a retired lawyer. I can't imagine what the nurses thought a
lawyer and a veterinarian would have in common, but they wheeled him on over to
sit opposite me that first night, and here he's been ever since.
He glares at me, his jaw moving back and forth like a cow
chewing cud. Incredible. He's actually eating the stuff.
The old ladies chatter like schoolgirls, blissfully
unaware.
"They're here until Sunday," says Doris. "Billy stopped
to find out."
"Yes, two shows on Saturday and one on Sunday. Randall
and his girls are taking me tomorrow," says Norma. She turns to me. "Jacob, will
you be going?"
I open my mouth to answer, but before I can Doris blurts
out, "And did you see those horses? My word, they're pretty. We had horses when
I was a girl. Oh, how I loved to ride." She looks into the distance, and for a
split second I can see how lovely she was as a young woman.
"Do you remember when the circus traveled by train?" says
Hazel. "The posters would appear a few days aheadthey'd cover every surface in
town! You couldn't see a brick in between!"
"Golly, yes. I certainly do," Norma says. "They put
posters on the side of our barn one year. The men told Father they used a
special glue that would dissolve two days after the show, but darned if our barn
wasn't still plastered with them months later!" She chuckles, shaking her head.
"Father was fit to be tied!"
"And then a few days later the train would pull in.
Always at the crack of dawn."
"My father used to take us down to the tracks to watch
them unload. Gosh, that was something to see. And then the parade! And the smell
of peanuts roasting"
"And Cracker Jack!"
"And candy apples, and ice cream, and lemonade!"
"And the sawdust! It would get in your nose!"
"I used to carry water for the elephants," says McGuinty.
I drop my fork and look up. He is positively dripping
with self-satisfaction,
just waiting for the girls to fawn over him.
"You did not," I say.
There is a beat of silence.
"I beg your pardon?" he says.
"You did not carry water for the elephants."
"Yes, I most certainly did."
"No you didn't."
"Are you calling me a liar?" he says slowly.
"If you say you carried water for elephants, I am."
The girls stare at me with open mouths. My heart's
pounding. I know I shouldn't do this, but somehow I can't help myself.
"How dare you!" McGuinty braces his knobby hands on the
edge of the table. Stringy tendons appear in his forearms.
"Listen pal," I say. "For decades I've heard old coots
like you talk about carrying water for elephants and I'm telling you now, it
never happened."
"Old coot? Old coot?" McGuinty pushes himself upright,
sending his wheelchair flying backward. He points a gnarled finger at me and
then drops as though felled by dynamite. He vanishes beneath the edge of the
table, his eyes perplexed, his mouth still open.
"Nurse! Oh, Nurse!" cry the old ladies.
There's the familiar patter of crepe-soled shoes and
moments later two nurses haul McGuinty up by the arms. He grumbles, making
feeble attempts to shake them off.
A third nurse, a pneumatic black girl in pale pink,
stands at the end of the table with her hands on her hips. "What on earth is
going on?" she asks.
"That old S-O-B called me a liar, that's what," says
McGuinty, safely restored to his chair. He straightens his shirt, lifts his
grizzled chin, and crosses his arms in front of him. "And an old coot."
"Oh, I'm sure that's not what Mr. Jankowski meant," the
girl in pink says.
"It most certainly is," I say. "And he is, too. Pffffft.
Carried water for the elephants indeed. Do you have any idea how much an
elephant drinks?"
"Well, I never," says Norma, pursing her lips and shaking
her head. "I'm sure I don't know what's gotten into you, Mr. Jankowski."
Oh, I see, I see. So that's how it is.
"It's an outrage!" says McGuinty, leaning slightly toward
Norma now that he sees he's got the popular vote. "I don't see why I should have
to put up with being called a liar!"
"And an old coot," I remind him.
"Mr. Jankowski!" says the black girl, her voice raised.
She comes behind me and releases the brakes on my wheelchair. "I think maybe you
should spend some time in your room. Until you calm down."
"Now wait just a minute!" I shout as she swings me away
from the table and toward the door. "I don't need to calm down. And besides, I
haven't eaten!"
"I'll bring your dinner in," she says from behind.
"I don't want it in my room! Take me back! You can't do
this to me!"
But it appears she can. She wheels me down the hall at
lightning speed and turns sharply into my room. She jams the brakes on so hard
the whole chair jars.
"I'll just go back," I say as she raises my footrests.
"You'll do no such thing," she says, setting my feet on
the floor.
"This isn't fair!" I say, my voice rising in a whine.
"I've been sitting at that
table forever. He's been there two weeks. Why is everyone
siding with him?"
"Nobody's siding with anyone." She leans forward,
slinging her shoulder under mine. As she lifts me, my head rests next to hers.
Her hair is chemically straightened and smells of flowers. When she sets me on
the edge of the bed, I am at eye level with her pale pink
bosom. And her name tag.
"Rosemary," I say.
"Yes, Mr. Jankowski?" she says.
"He is lying, you know."
"I know no such thing. And neither do you."
"I do, though. I was on a show."
She blinks, irritated. "How do you mean?"
I hesitate and then change my mind. "Never mind," I say.
"Did you work on a circus?"
"I said never mind."
There's a heartbeat of uncomfortable silence.
"Mr. McGuinty could have been seriously hurt, you know,"
she says, arranging my legs. She works quickly, efficiently, but stops just
short of being summary.
"No he couldn't. Lawyers are indestructible."
She stares at me for a long time, actually looking at me
as a person. For a moment I think I sense a chink. Then she snaps back into
action. "Is your family taking you to the circus this weekend?"
"Oh yes," I say with some pride. "Someone comes every
Sunday. Like clockwork."
She shakes out a blanket and spreads it over my legs.
"Would you like me to get your dinner?"
"No," I say.
There's an awkward silence. I realize I should have added
"thank you," but it's too late now.
"All right then," she says. "I'll be back in a while to
see if you need anything else."
Yup. Sure she will. That's what they always say.
BUT DAGNAMMIT, HERE SHE IS.
"Now don't tell anyone," she says, bustling in and
sliding my dinner-table-cum-vanity over my lap. She sets down a paper
napkin, plastic fork, and a bowl of fruit that actually looks appetizing, with
strawberries, melon, and apple. "I packed it for my break. I'm on a diet. Do you
like fruit, Mr. Jankowski?"
I would answer except that my hand is over my mouth and
it's trembling. Apple, for God's sake.
She pats my other hand and leaves the room, discreetly
ignoring my tears.
I slip a piece of apple into my mouth, savoring its
juices. The buzzing fluorescent fixture above me casts its harsh light on my
crooked fingers as they pluck pieces of fruit from the bowl. They look foreign
to me. Surely they can't be mine.
Age is a terrible thief. Just when you're getting the
hang of life, it knocks your legs out from under you and stoops your back. It
makes you ache and muddies your head and silently spreads cancer throughout your
spouse.
Metastatic, the doctor said. A matter of weeks or months.
But my darling was as frail as a bird. She died nine days later. After sixty-one
years together, she simply clutched my hand and exhaled.
Although there are times I'd give anything to have her
back, I'm glad she went first. Losing her was like being cleft down the middle.
It was the moment it all ended for me, and I wouldn't have wanted her to go
through that. Being the survivor stinks.
I used to think I preferred getting old to the
alternative, but now I'm not sure. Sometimes the monotony of bingo and sing-alongs
and ancient dusty people parked in the hallway in wheelchairs makes me long for
death. Particularly when I remember that I'm one of the ancient dusty people,
filed away like some worthless tchotchke.
But there's nothing to be done about it. All I can do is
put in time waiting for the inevitable, observing as the ghosts of my past
rattle around my vacuous present. They crash and bang and make themselves at
home, mostly because there's no competition. I've stopped fighting them.
They're crashing and banging around in there now.
Make yourselves at home, boys. Stay awhile. Oh, sorryI
see you already have.
Damn ghosts.
From Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen. © 2006 by Sara Gruen. Reprinted by permission of Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.
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