Snow Flower and the Secret Fan: A Novel
by Lisa See
Chapter 1
Milk Years
My name is Lily. I came into this world on the fifth day of the six month of
the third year of Emperor Daoguang's reign. Puwei, my home village, is in
Yongming County, the county of Everlasting Brightness. Most people who live here
are descended from the Yao ethnic tribe. From the storytellers who visited Puwei
when I was a girl, I learned that the Yao first arrived in this area twelve
hundred years ago during the Tang dynasty, but most families came a century
later, when they fled the Mongol armies who invaded the north. Although the
people of our region have never been rich, we have rarely been so poor that
women had to work in the fields.
We were members of the Yi family line, one of the original Yao clans and the
most common in the district. My father and uncle leased seven mou of land from a
rich landowner who lived in the far west of the province. They cultivated that
land with rice, cotton, taro, and kitchen crops. My family home was typical in
the sense that it had two stories and faced south. A room upstairs was
designated for women's gathering and for unmarried girls to sleep. Rooms for
each family unit and a special room for our animals flanked the downstairs main
room, where baskets filled with eggs or oranges and strings of drying chilies
hung from the central beam to keep them safe from mice, chickens, or a roaming
pig. We had a table and stools against one wall. A hearth where Mama and Aunt
did the cooking occupied a corner on the opposite wall. We did not have windows
in our main room, so we kept open the door to the alley outside our house for
light and air in the warm months. The rest of our rooms were small, our floor
was hard-packed earth, and, as I said, our animals lived with us.
I've never thought much about whether I was happy or if I had fun as a child.
I was a so-so girl who lived with a so-so family in a so-so village. I didn't
know that there might be another way to live, and I didn't worry about it
either. But I remember the day I began to notice and think about what was around
me. I had just turned five and felt as though I had crossed a big threshold. I
woke up before dawn with something like a tickle in my brain. That bit of
irritation made me alert to everything I saw and experienced that day.
I lay between Elder Sister and Third Sister. I glanced across the room to my
cousin's bed. Beautiful Moon, who was my age, hadn't woken up yet, so I stayed
still, waiting for my sisters to stir. I faced Elder Sister, who was four years
older than I. Although we slept in the same bed, I didn't get to know her well
until I had my feet bound and joined the women's chamber myself. I was glad I
wasn't looking in Third Sister's direction. I always told myself that since she
was a year younger she was too insignificant to think about. I don't think my
sisters adored me either, but the indifference we showed one another was just a
face we put on to mask our true desires. We each wanted Mama to notice us. We
each vied for Baba's attention. We each hoped we would spend time every day with
Elder Brother, since as the first son he was the most precious person in our
family. I did not feel that kind of jealousy with Beautiful Moon. We were good
friends and happy that our lives would be linked together until we both married
out.
The four of us looked very similar. We each had black hair that was cut
short, we were very thin, and we were close in height. Otherwise, our
distinguishing features were few. Elder Sister had a mole above her lip. Third
Sister's hair was always tied up in little tufts, because she did not like Mama
to comb it. Beautiful Moon had a pretty round face, while my legs were sturdy
from running and my arms strong from carrying my baby brother.
"Girls!" Mama called up the stairs to us.
That was enough to wake up the others and get us all out of bed. Elder Sister
hurriedly got dressed and went downstairs. Beautiful Moon and I were slower,
because we had to dress not only ourselves but Third Sister as well. Then
together we went downstairs, where Aunt swept the floor, Uncle sang a morning
song, Mamawith Second Brother swaddled on her backpoured the last of the water
into the teapot to heat, and Elder Sister chopped scallions for the rice
porridge we call congee. My sister gave me a tranquil look that I took to mean
that she had already earned the approval of my family this morning and was safe
for the rest of the day. I tucked away my resentment, not understanding that
what I saw as her self-satisfaction was something closer to the cheerless
resignation that would settle on my sister after she married out.
"Beautiful Moon! Lily! Come here! Come here!"
My aunt greeted us this way each and every morning. We ran to her. Aunt
kissed Beautiful Moon and patted my bottom affectionately. Then Uncle swooped
in, swept up Beautiful Moon in his arms, and kissed her. After he set her back
down, he winked at me and pinched my cheek.
You know the old saying about beautiful people marrying beautiful people and
talented people marrying talented people? That morning I concluded that Uncle
and Aunt were two ugly people and therefore perfectly matched. Uncle, my
father's younger brother, had bowlegs, a bald head, and a full shiny face. Aunt
was plump, and her teeth were like jagged stones protruding from a karst cave.
Her bound feet were not very small, maybe fourteen centimeters long, twice the
size of what mine eventually became. I'd heard wicked tongues in our village say
that this was the reason Auntwho was of healthy stock, with wide hipscould not
carry a son to term. I'd never heard these kinds of reproaches in our home, not
even from Uncle. To me, they had an ideal marriage; he was an affectionate rat
and she was a dutiful ox. Every day they provided happiness around the hearth.
My mother had yet to acknowledge that I was in the room. This is how it had
been for as long as I could remember, but on that day I perceived and felt her
disregard. Melancholy sank into me, whisking away the joy I had just felt with
Aunt and Uncle, stunning me with its power. Then, just as quickly, the feeling
disappeared, because Elder Brother, who was six years older than I was, called
me to help him with his morning chores. Having been born in the year of the
horse, it is in my nature to love the outdoors, but even more important I got to
have Elder Brother completely to myself. I knew I was lucky and that my sisters
would hold this against me, but I didn't care. When he talked to me or smiled at
me I didn't feel invisible.
We ran outside. Elder Brother hauled water up from the well and filled
buckets for us to carry. We took them back to the house and set out again to
gather firewood. We made a pile, then Elder Brother loaded my arms with the
smaller sticks. He scooped up the rest and we headed home. When we got there, I
handed the sticks to Mama, hoping for her praise. After all, it's not so easy
for a little girl to lug a bucket of water or carry firewood. But Mama didn't
say anything.
Even now, after all these years, it is difficult for me to think about Mama
and what I realized on that day. I saw so clearly that I was inconsequential to
her. I was a third child, a second worthless girl, too little to waste time on
until it looked like I would survive my milk years. She looked at me the way all
mothers look at their daughtersas a temporary visitor who was another mouth to
feed and a body to dress until I went to my husband's home. I was five, old
enough to know I didn't deserve her attention, but suddenly I craved it. I
longed for her to look at me and talk to me the way she did with Elder Brother.
But even in that moment of my first truly deep desire, I was smart enough to
know that Mama wouldn't want me to interrupt her during this busy time when so
often she had scolded me for talking too loudly or had swatted at the air around
me because I got in her way. Instead, I vowed to be like Elder Sister and help
as quietly and carefully as I could.
Grandmother tottered into the room. Her face looked like a dried plum, and
her back bent so far forward that she and I saw eye to eye.
"Help your grandmother," Mama ordered. "See if she needs anything."
Even though I had just made a promise to myself, I hesitated. Grandmother's
gums were sour and sticky in the mornings, and no one wanted to get near her. I
sidled up to her, holding my breath, but she waved me away impatiently. I moved
so quickly that I bumped into my fatherthe eleventh and most important person
in our household.
He didn't reprimand me or say anything to anyone else. As far as I knew, he
wouldn't speak until this day was behind him. He sat down and waited to be
served. I watched Mama closely as she wordlessly poured his tea. I may have been
afraid that she would notice me during her morning routine, but she was even
more mindful in her dealings with my father. He rarely hit my mother and he
never took a concubine, but her caution with him made us all heedful.
Aunt put bowls on the table and spooned out the congee, while Mama nursed the
baby. After we ate, my father and my uncle set out for the fields, and my
mother, aunt, grandmother, and older sister went upstairs to the women's
chamber. I wanted to go with Mama and the other women in our family, but I
wasn't old enough. To make matters worse, I now had to share Elder Brother with
my baby brother and Third Sister when we went back outside.
I carried the baby on my back as we cut grass and foraged for roots for our
pig. Third Sister followed us as best she could. She was a funny, ornery little
thing. She acted spoiled, when the only ones who had a right to be spoiled were
our brothers. She thought she was the most beloved in our family, although
nothing showed her that this was true.
Once done with our chores, our little foursome explored the village, going up
and down the alleys between the houses until we came across some other girls
jumping rope. My brother stopped, took the baby, and let me jump too. Then we
went home for lunchsomething simple, rice and vegetable only. Afterward, Elder
Brother left with the men, and the rest of us went upstairs. Mama nursed the
baby again, then he and Third Sister took their afternoon naps. Even at that age
I enjoyed being in the women's chamber with my grandmother, aunt, sister,
cousin, and especially my mother. Mama and Grandmother wove cloth, Beautiful
Moon and I made balls of yarn, Aunt sat with brush and ink, carefully writing
her secret characters, while Elder Sister waited for her four sworn sisters to
arrive for an afternoon visit.
Soon enough we heard the sound of four pairs of lily feet come quietly up the
stairs. Elder Sister greeted each girl with a hug, and the five of them
clustered together in a corner. They didn't like me intruding on their
conversations, but I studied them nevertheless, knowing that I would be part of
my own sworn sisterhood in another two years. The girls were all from Puwei,
which meant that they could assemble often, and not just on special gathering
days such as Catching Cool Breezes or the Birds Festival. The sisterhood had
been formed when the girls turned seven. To cement the relationship, their
fathers had each contributed twenty-five jin of rice, which was stored at our
house. Later, when each girl married out, her portion of rice would be sold so
her sworn sisters could buy gifts for her. The last bit of rice would be sold on
the occasion of the last sworn sister's marriage. That would mark the end of the
sisterhood, since the girls would have all married out to distant villages,
where they would be too busy with their children and obeying their
mothers-in-law to have time for old friendships.
Even with her friends, Elder Sister did not attempt to grab attention. She
sat placidly with the other girls as they embroidered and told funny stories.
When their chatter and giggles grew loud, my mother sternly hushed them, and
another new thought popped into my head: Mama never did that when my
grandmother's late-life sworn sisters came to visit. After her children were
grown, my grandmother had been invited to join a new group of five sworn sisters
in Puwei. Only two of them plus my grandmother, all widows, were still alive,
and they visited at least once a week. They made each other laugh and together
they shared bawdy jokes that we girls didn't understand. On those occasions,
Mama was too afraid of her mother-in-law to dare ask them to stop. Or maybe she
was too busy.
Mama ran out of yarn and stood up to get more. For a moment she stayed very
still, staring pensively at nothing. I had a nearly uncontrollable desire to run
into her arms and scream, See me, see me, see me! But I didn't. Mama's feet had
been badly bound by her mother. Instead of golden lilies, Mama had ugly stumps.
Instead of swaying when she walked, she balanced herself on a cane. If she put
the cane aside, her four limbs went akimbo as she tried to maintain her balance.
Mama was too unsteady on her feet for anyone ever to hug or kiss her.
"Isn't it time for Beautiful Moon and Lily to go outside?" Aunt asked,
cutting into my mother's daydream. "They could help Elder Brother with his
chores."
"He doesn't need their help."
"I know," Aunt admitted, "but it's a nice day"
Excerpted from Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See Copyright © 2005 by Lisa See. Excerpted by permission of Random House, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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