How do you think our parents' aspirations and choices define the decisions we make? Does this change as we age?

After her mother's death, Bolick takes inspiration from her mother's late-in-life desire to forge an independent path for herself. How do you think our parents' aspirations and choices define the decisions we make? Does this change as we age?

My parents wanted more for me than they had for themselves. Growing up living paycheck to paycheck meant that things often got difficult, and there were times when we simply didn't have the money for certain things. I never wanted to be in that position, so I made sure I got an education, though I'm STILL paying for it, in order to have a better job that would provide for my family. I also didn't want (and didn't have) as many children as they did; I stopped at one. I knew I could provide well for that one, and that I could do so without having to depend on anyone else to help me. As I have gotten older and my father has passed away, my mom and I have become friends, which I would have thought impossible in my teens and early 20s. I think our relationship has changed, but for the better.

Our parents aspirations do affect the decisions we make. It was my father's dream that his daughters be educated and we all worked hard, especially him to ensure that this was possible. They do set the standard for the work ethic you follow. Of course, things change as you age and as the world ages. Women now have so many choices that did not exist sixty or seventy years ago. And then a time comes when you may be required to become your parents' caregiver. So much changes in a lifetime and so much depends on what you wish to give and how much. I don't think Kate Brolick is old enough to see what and where life brings her. She tends to be self-absorb and only interested in the now.

I think parents desire as much if not more for their children than they had and children are shaped by this desire. As people age we hope to become wiser and increasingly self-confident in the decisions we make so in this sense our aspirations and choices change. However, I think we always carry the desires of our parents inside of us and we can choose to ignore these desires and go after what we feel we want if we are brave enough to be different.

I never felt that my parents' had any aspirations for their three children. They were decent people who probably should not have married and were always caught up in their own struggle to make it through life. And I observed in my adult years that they did have a better relationship and marriage and admired their evolution. But I have always felt that I created my own life since high school. Yet because of the parenting that I had and the relationship I saw between them, I knew I did not want to marry nor have children.

My parents just expected me to marry. No other expectations. I made sure I never made my own daughter feel that way. She has made her own way in the world and I guess at 51 Kate Bolick would call her a spinster but I just call her a self made woman!

My parents married in the 20s and had two daughters. I was born twenty-two years after the oldest and twenty years after the youngest. Although they never discussed it with me, I think they had a sense of a second chance. They educated both of my sisters during the Depression. I think it I had a lot easier. They didn't have the money pressures that existed during my sisters' younger lives. As I was told many times, they were more mellow and interesting than when my sisters lived at home. They never told me that I had to further my education; I think they just expected that I would.

My mother was one of 15 children, and she grew up during the Depression. She was taken out of school at 7th grade to help work the family farm. She was always embarrassed about her lack of education. In fact, she stated that she'd completed 9th grade and I didn't find out until I was managing her affairs after she had dementia that she'd been hiding the true facts because she found them shameful. She did emphasize education (to the exclusion of all else) for her three daughters and we all became high achievers. She was very domineering and violent toward us and toward our father and throughout my childhood I can only remember wanting to leave home. I never wanted to be married (although I was for ten years) based on my observation of my parents' marriage. I've been in long relationships and I've also been uncoupled for many years at a time. There was a long stretch as a single parent with two children when I devoted myself to caring for them and working to support them. Being a mother is one of the most rewarding adventures I've ever had. Because I knew how I didn't want to parent but didn't know what positive parenting was, I took a bunch of classes that were invaluable. I have a great relationship with my young adult kids and I never laid a hand on them; I made a conscious decision that the abuse would stop at my generation. Looking back, a lot of my decisions in my life were geared toward plotting a path that would not replicate my parents' situation. Of course, I've made my own share of mistakes, but I think I've avoided theirs.

My parents didn't really express any aspirations for me. I had aspirations for my kids, but they also had their
own beliefs. As I got older, what I wanted most for them was to be happy and safe.

My parents' aspirations didn't have much impact on me. I think my mom expected me to get married and have kids, but I'm an only child and I never wanted to do that. My dad always just wanted me to do whatever I want. My parents divorced when I was a freshman in high school (though the process started when I was in middle school) and it was not a nice, amicable split. I think I saw that and immediately knew I never wanted to participate in an institution that could lead to such a negative place.

I am fortunate that my parents didn't try to dissuade me from my aspirations of studying music in college. Neither of them attended but it was just assumed that I would. They have always been very supportive of me.

Our parents all send subtle telegraphs. Other messages are loud and blaring. My parents wanted all of us to get a college education, marry with families of our own and lead a full life. There preferences both enhanced and limited what the scope of choices were. As I aged I made my own decisions based on a strong internal compass.