If your partner had a dangerous hobby, would you take a similar route as Lee, or would you have issues with it?

Lee claims to have never had much of an issue with Paul's mountain climbing, although it was dangerous and ended up killing him eventually. Do you believe her, or do you think she simply decided not to voice her concerns? If your partner had a dangerous hobby, would you take a similar route as Lee, or would you have issues with it?

It sounds like that was part of Paul's appeal when he and Lee first met (his love of mountain climbing). I think Lee appreciated that was as much a part of Paul as Tae Kwon Do was to her and, despite the inherent dangers, asking him to quit would be like taking away part of him. As for me, I tend not to gravitate toward those high-adrenaline pursuits, so it's unlikely that I would have ever paired up with someone with those tendencies but I would hope that, if presented with that situation, I would behave like Lee.

In Lee's circumstances - independent, childless, obsessed with work and martial art, her acceptance of Paul's obsession was perfectly fine. For me, a mother to three sons, a husband who pursued a life-threatening sport would have been considered (by me) extremely selfish. So, yes, I would have had issues. But, probably would not have chosen Paul under my circumstances...at least I hope not.

I think Lee and Paul had a good relationship. They let their partner remain a person. When you can do that you lose the option to influence the other persons habits. Sure, Lee worried about Paul, but she worried more about what it would do to Paul, to them, to ask him to quit something he loved. That is a selfless love.

If the hobby was something he was involved in before I met him I would not try to get him to stop. If it was something he got involved in after we got involved it would depend on how involved we were. Ex. If we were married with children and he decided to take up mountain climbing or something as dangerous I would definitely try to talk him out of it.

This is a really interesting question! And thanks to those who pointed out how a hobby like mountain climbing could be seen as selfish, particularly if there were children at home- -I hadn't even thought of that! But now that I have, I am still going to have to go with Lee's reaction. Mountain climbing was a part of who Paul was. To ask him to not be himself would have been harmful to their marriage AND to Paul's sense of self. What an incredible gift Lee gave to Paul in accepting completely and totally who he was and letting him BE.

I image I would run numerous scenarios (scary) through my head every time my spouse left on an adventure. But I think there would eventually be a calm that came in knowing he was doing what he loved- -and doing what he loved DID NOT diminish his love for me.

My husband was in Army Special Forces when we got married so a lot of what he did was "risky" while not exactly a hobby - deployments to bad places were a way of life for us. I accepted all of that without issue although we talked many times about whether he should stay in the Army or leave, before and after having children. After 21 years of Army life, he was ready to retire but had the option of not taking the last parachute jump which maintained his designation as a Master Paratrooper. Just weeks away from retirement I asked him not to jump. I regret that to this day, 23 years later. He never complained or said he missed it but I think he regretted not doing it too.

Anyway I think I would have let my spouse enjoy his hobby but would have had a level of concern.

Fortunately, my husband pursued very few dangerous hobbies. An exception would be a few episodes of hang gliding. I believe one has to accept that your partner has to be free to make their own choices, just as you might want or not want, the same freedoms.

Oh wow, scgirl! I admire your courage as an army wife. I think it would be much easier to accept a "dangerous" hobby because you know there is a choice. When it is a job, and you are not the one making the choices, it would definitely be harder to let go and be ok with the dangers.

Good question...too many people try to change their partner after the relationship has formed, and I think it's unfair to do that if you knew about the hobby early in the relationship. Then again, people and circumstances change, responsibilities change, and the perception of danger changes. That being said, we lost friends and colleagues in commercial airline crashes (including 9/11) and several friends in private aircraft accidents, but it never crossed my mind to ask my husband to stop flying...personally or professionally. He loved flying long before he loved me. It didn't mean I didn't worry; just reconciled myself that he would be doing something he loved.

I probably would not want to take his hobby away, but I would be in a constant state of worry.

Unexpected tragedies can happen at any time, even doing the most mundane activities. Paul's mountain climbing activities was part of who he was. Lee wouldn't think of encouraging him to stop doing the things he loves.

I don’t think that anyone would be happy if their husband had a dangerous hobby. However, one has to accept it if the marriage is to survive. There were no children in Lee’s and Paul’s relationship so they did not have to think about family responsibility. They respected each other and gave each other room to grow.

Since you can get killed crossing the street, after an honest discussion before marriage it would be his choice. If after marriage that would be a very long discussion.

I would take a similar route as Lee and I hope my partner would afford me the same respect. If it were a truly risky hobby I would expect discussions to include finances, living wills and care of children. I think the rights and responsibilities of all parties have to be considered.

I agree with jww, in that once you have kids you have a duty and responsibility to not put yourself in danger. I would not choose to be with someone who risks their life by choice as it puts their choice above their love for me. I think it would be hard to not resent the person who then dies.