Leo's brother Olly mentions he keeps secrets from his wife, and says, "We all keep things to ourselves." Do you think this is true? If so, at what point do you feel this crosses a line?

Leo's brother Olly mentions he keeps secrets from his wife, and says, "We all keep things to ourselves." Do you think this is true? If so, at what point do you feel this crosses a line?

I do believe this is true. It crosses the line when the secrets are discovered by others. Some secrets never emerge, but those that do have a life of their own, depending upon the people involved. In Leo and Emma's case, Emma's secrets were extremely complex and had been hidden for twenty years. What would have fractured most marriages was worked out through the deep, unhidden love the couple had for each other during those years.

I think secrets from the past are different from secrets about things that happen during a current relationship. While in an ideal world, it may have been better for Emma to share her past before getting married, she did not. And then, to me, it is understandable how she reacts when Leo is so distressed about finding out he was adopted. I think not sharing something is different also from telling outright lies. I don't know that there are hard and fast lines. Maybe sometimes we each determine our own lines, given the circumstances. But then we may not agree on those lines. I liked the sense of hopefulness for Emma and Leo with the end of this story.

I agree very much with the thoughts of ssh above. Not sharing is very different from lying and there aren't specific lines for given situations - it depends on the issue and who is involved. I think Emma should have shared with Leo early on and what happened because she didn't - their fear of losing one another, the guilt Emma carried, the distrust Leo began to feel - these are examples of the results of lying. The longer an issue as important as the one Emma carried remains hidden or uncovered, the bigger the stakes and the more covering up - lying - one is forced to do.

Our partners don’t need to know everything about our distant past history, unless it is something that could adversely impact our relationship in the present. In Emma’s case, too many people knew her multiple secrets and lies. Some of the lies seemed completely unnecessary. I think she should have told Leo all of it before they married, particularly considering his anger after discovering his adoption. Living with all the lies and deception had to have taken an enormous physical and emotional toll on Emma. She did not trust the strength of Leo’s love.

Purposefully hiding secrets you know will have an effect on your spouse is crossing the line. Agreeing with others, it depends on what you are keeping to yourself.

I certainly do think we all keep things to ourselves. Even in the most intimate relationships, there is the right to privacy, especially in one’s own thoughts.
However I believe that line is crossed when it affects the other person in the relationship. This truth that was kept from Leo was way beyond that line. It kept him in the dark about who his wife really was. Their marriage was based on a lie that was continued through their entire life together. I think that is unforgivable.

Nobody shares every single aspect of their lives with anyone - family member, spouse, friend, therapist, etc. Some things are shameful, others may be mistakes from the past that we try to move past, and some things seem unimportant so they don't come up in conversation. It's only crossing a line if withholding something might change how someone views you or themself.

I totally agree with Rebeccak.

I agree with many of the comments above. We are not all "open books" about our past lives and that is OK if our secrets don't impinge on who we are and our relationships. If they do as what happened in Emma's life, that is dangerous for our own wellbeing and can damage our relationships.