And no, he's not going to whine about it. In fact, he's not going to dwell on the negative aspects of turning 50 at all, like the weight gain that results from merely watching food commercials, or that you discover random hairs sprouting from unexpected sectors of your body.
Instead, Dave is going to make all of you out there under the half-century mark envious with a rundown of the advantages of turning 50. For instance, you know all those newspaper articles about Middle East turmoil you read because you think you should? Dave doesn't read 'em, because with his eyes he can't! And you know all that energy you expend trying to look and sound hip? Dave doesn't, because after 50 it's hopeless and he's through trying to be one of the Boyz N the Burbz.
And Dave writes not only about being 50, but also about 50 years of inventions (Oreos, Silly Putty), arts (Howdy Doody, TV commercials), politics (the Cold War, the Cold War, and more of the Cold War), and other baby boomer nostalgia.
So call Dave and let him know how much you're looking forward to reading Dave Barry Turns 50. But not right now--he's sleeping.
Ten Signs That You Might Be Losing It
It's Great to Be 50!
Right. And Herbert Hoover was a rap singer.
I am NOT going to whine.
Yes, I have turned 50.
Yes, this is an age that I used to consider old. Not middle-aged, like Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore in The Dick Van Dyke Show; but actually old, like Walter Brennan as Granpappy Amos in The Real McCoys, gimping around cluelessly in a pair of bib overalls and saying things like "Con-SARN it!"
But I do not choose to dwell on the negative. I choose to be an optimist, like the great explorer Christopher Columbus, who had a dream that he could sail a ship all the way across the Atlantic Ocean. People said he was crazy, but Columbus did not know the meaning of the word "discouragement." (He also did not know the meaning of "nostril" or "weasel," because he spoke Italian.)
And so Columbus boldly set out and discovered the New World, and then he went back to Europe, where he died in obscurity at age 55, which is only five ...
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