Excerpt of The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving by Jonathan Evison
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hooked on mnemonics
I was broke when duty called me to minister to those less fortunate
than myself, so maybe Im no Florence Nightingale. And
maybe in light of all that happened with Piper and Jodi, Im not
qualified to care for anybody. The fact is, at thirty-nine, with a gap in
my employment history spanning the better part of the technological
revolution, Im not qualified to do much anymore.
But dont get the idea that just anyone can be a caregiver. It takes
patience, fortitude, a background check. Not to mention licensing and
a mandatory curriculum of continuing education, as evidenced by
my certificates in Special Needs in Dementia 1, Positive Crisis Management,
and Strategies in Nonverbal Communication. The bulk of
what I learned about being a licensed caregiver, I learned from the
Fundamentals of Caregiving, a twenty-eight-hour night course I attended
along with fourteen middle-aged women at the Abundant Life
Foursquare Church right behind the Howard Johnson in Bremerton.
Consuming liberal quantities of instant coffee, I learned how to insert
catheters and avoid liability. I learned about professionalism. I
learned how to erect and maintain certain boundaries, to keep a certain
physical and emotional distance between the client and myself
in order to avoid burnout. I learned that caregiving is just a job, a
series of tasks Im paid to perform, as outlined in the clients service
plan, a binding care contract addressing everything from dietary constraints,
to med schedules, to toiletry preferences. Sometimes, thats a
lot to remember. Conveniently, the Department of Social and Human
Services has devised dozens of helpful mnemonics to help facilitate
effective caregiving. To wit:
I had a head full of these mnemonics and a crisp certificate when,
three days after I completed the course, the Department of Social
and Human Services lined me up an interview with my first potential
client, Trevor Conklin, who lives on a small farm at the end of a long
rutty driveway between Poulsbo and Kingston, where they do something
with horses breed them, sell them, board them. All I really
know is, that Trevor is a nineteen-year-old with MS. Or maybe its
ALS. Something with a wheelchair.
Ive got one more cash advance left on the old Providian Visa before
Im cashing out the IRA, which will only yield about fifteen hundred
after penalties. For a year and a half after the disaster, I didnt even
look for work. All told, I can hold out another month before Im completely
sunk. I need this job. My last job interview was eleven years
ago, before Piper was born, at the Viking Herald, a weekly gazette
devoted primarily to Scandinavian heritage, pet adoptions, and police
blotters. The Herald was hiring an ad sales rep at the time a telemarketing
gig, basically. I met with the head of sales in his office at the
ass end of new business park on the edge of town. Right away I forgot
his name. Wayne. Warren. Walter. Not so much a salesman as a miscast
folk singer, someone you might find strumming Tom Dooley
in the shadow of a cotton-candy stand on a boardwalk somewhere.
Have you ever sold anything? he asked me.
Muffins, I told him.
I didnt get the job.
This morning, Im wearing one of the button-down shirts my estranged
wife, Janet, bought me five years ago when it looked as though
Id finally be rejoining the workforce. Never happened. We got pregnant
with Jodi instead.
I arrive at the farm nine minutes early, just in time to see whom I
presume to be one of my job competitors waddle out the front door
and down the access ramp in sweat pants. She squeezes herself behind
the wheel of a rusty Datsun and sputters past me up the bumpy
driveway, riding low on the drivers side. The sweatpants bode well,
and even with three missing hubcaps, my Subaru looks better than
that crappy Datsun.
Excerpted from The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving
by Jonathan Evison. Copyright © 2012 by Jonathan Evison.
Excerpted by permission of Algonquin Books. All rights
reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted
without permission in writing from the publisher.