In the meantime, I am spending my days getting this place in order.
There is quite a lot that needs doing, I did not pay much for it. In
fact, I had been prepared to shell out a lot more to lay my hands on
the house and the grounds, but there was not much competition. I do
understand why now, but it doesn’t matter. I am pleased anyway. I try
to do most of the work myself, even though I could have paid a
carpenter, I am far from skint, but then it would have gone too fast. I
want to use the time it takes. Time is important to me now, I tell
myself. Not that it should pass quickly or slowly, but be only time,
be something I live inside and fill with physical things and activities
that I can divide it up by, so that it grows distinct to me and does
not vanish when I am not looking.
Something happened last night.
I had gone to bed in the small room beside the kitchen where I put a
temporary bed up under the window, and I had fallen asleep, it was past
midnight, and it was pitch dark outside. Going out for a last pee
behind the house I could feel the cold. I give myself that liberty. For
the time being there is nothing but an outdoor toilet here. No one can
see anyway, the forest standing thick to the west.
What woke me was a loud, penetrating sound repeated at brief intervals,
followed by silence, and then starting again. I sat up in bed, opened
the window a crack and looked out. Through the darkness I could see the
yellow beam of a torch a little way down the road by the river. The
person holding the torch must be the one making the sound I had heard,
but I couldn’t understand what kind of sound it was or why he was
making it. If it was a he. Then the ray of light swung
aimlessly to the right and left, as if resigned, and I caught a glimpse
of the lined face of my neighbour. He had something in his mouth that
looked like a cigar, and then the sound came again, and I realised it
was a dog whistle, although I had never seen one before. And he started
to call to the dog. Poker, he shouted, Poker, which was the dog’s name.
Come here, boy, he shouted, and I lay down in bed again and closed my
eyes, but I knew I would not get back to sleep.
All I wanted was to sleep. I have grown fussy about the hours I get,
and although they are not many, I need them in a completely different
way than before. A ruined night throws a dark shadow for many days
ahead and makes me irritable and feel out of place. I have no time for
that. I need to concentrate. All the same, I sat up in bed again, swung
my legs in the pitch black to the floor and found my clothes over the
back of the chair. I had to gasp when I felt how cold they were. Then I
went through the kitchen and into the hall and pulled on my old pea
jacket, took the torch from the shelf and went out onto the steps. It
was coal black. I opened the door again, put my hand in and switched on
the outside light. That helped. The red-painted outhouse wall threw a
warm glow across the yard.
I have been lucky, I say to myself. I can go out to a neighbour in the
night when he is searching for his dog, and it will take me only a
couple of days and I will be OK again. I switched on the torch and
began walking down the road from the yard towards where he was still
standing on the gentle slope, swinging his torch so that the beam moved
slowly round in a circle towards the edge of the forest, across the
road, along the river bank and back to its starting point. Poker, he
called, Poker, and then blew the whistle, and the sound has an
unpleasantly high frequency in the quiet of the night, and his face,
his body, were hidden in the darkness. I did not know him, had only
spoken to him a few times on the way past his cottage when I was out
with Lyra most often at quite an early hour, and I suddenly felt like
going back in again and forgetting all about it; what could I do
anyway, but now he must have seen the light of my torch, and it was too
late, and after all there was something about this character I could
barely make out there in the night alone. He ought not to be alone like
that. It was not right.
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