Excerpt of The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid by Bill Bryson
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Burns Unit
The only downside of my mother’s
working was that it put a little pressure on her with regard to running
the home and particularly with regard to dinner, which frankly was not
her strong suit anyway. My mother always ran late and was dangerously
forgetful into the bargain. You soon learned to stand aside about ten
to six every evening, for it was then that she would fly in the back
door, throw something in the oven, and disappear into some other
quarter of the house to embark on the thousand other household tasks
that greeted her each evening. In consequence she nearly always forgot
about dinner until a point slightly beyond way too late. As a
rule you knew it was time to eat when you could hear baked potatoes
exploding in the oven.
We didn’t call it the kitchen in our house. We called it the Burns Unit.
“It’s
a bit burned,” my mother would say apologetically at every meal,
presenting you with a piece of meat that looked like something — a
much-loved pet perhaps — salvaged from a tragic house fire. “But I
think I scraped off most of the burned part,” she would add,
overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been
flesh.
Happily, all this suited my father. His
palate only responded to two tastes — burnt and ice cream — so
everything suited him so long as it was sufficiently dark and not too
startlingly flavorful. Theirs truly was a marriage made in heaven
for no one could burn food like my mother or eat it like my dad.
As part of her job, my mother bought stacks of housekeeping magazines — House Beautiful, House and Garden, Better Homes and Gardens
— and I read these with a curious avidity, partly because they were
always lying around and in our house all idle moments were spent
reading something, and partly because they depicted lives so
absorbingly at variance with our own. The housewives in my mother’s
magazines were so collected, so organized, so calmly on top of things,
and their food was perfect — their lives were perfect. They
dressed up to take their food out of the oven! There were no
black circles on the ceiling above their stoves, no mutating goo
climbing over the sides of their forgotten saucepans. Children didn’t
have to be ordered to stand back every time they opened their
oven doors. And their foods — baked Alaska, lobster Newburg,
chicken cacciatore — why, these were dishes we didn’t even dream of,
much less encounter, in Iowa.
Like most people in
Iowa in the 1950s, we were more cautious eaters in our house.* On the
rare occasions when we were presented with food with which we were not
comfortable or familiar — on planes or trains or when invited to a meal
cooked by someone who was not herself from Iowa — we tended to tilt it
up carefully with a knife and examine it from every angle as if it
determining whether it might need to be defused. Once on a trip
to San Francisco my father was taken by friends to a Chinese restaurant
and he described it to us afterwards in the somber tones of someone
recounting a near-death experience.
“And they eat it with sticks, you know,” he added knowledgeably.
“Goodness!” said my mother.
“I would rather have gas gangrene than go through that again,” my father added grimly.
In our house we didn’t eat:
•
pasta, rice, cream cheese, sour cream, garlic, mayonnaise, onions,
corned beef, pastrami, salami, or foreign food of any type, except
French toast;
• bread that wasn’t white and at least 65 percent air;
• spices other than salt, pepper and maple syrup;
•
fish that was any shape other than rectangular and not coated in bright
orange breadcrumbs, and then only on Fridays and only when my mother
remembered it was Friday, which in fact was not often;
Excerpted from The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid
by Bill Bryson Copyright © 2006 by Bill Bryson. Excerpted by permission
of Broadway, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No
part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission
in writing from the publisher.
