Excerpt of Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads by Rosalind Wiseman, Elizabeth Rapoport
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Perfect Parent World, Land of Perpetual Judgment
"You couldn't pay me enough to go back to seventh grade."
People love to tell me this. Teachers, parents, counselors,
principals, people on the street, people at
parties--everywhere I go, people tell me that they shudder
at the thought of waking up one day transported back to
seventh grade. But when I tell them I'm writing a book on
parents' social competition, their eyes grow wide with
delight or dismay--and always with recognition. "Do I have a
story for you," they say conspiratorially. Clearly, few of
us have left seventh grade completely behind.
My goal in this book is to get you to do exactly what almost
no one wants to do: Go back to seventh grade and understand
how the lessons you learned as a child and adolescent affect
the way you parent. And when I say "parent," I'm not just
referring to your relationship with your child. I'm
including in my definition of parenting your interactions
and relationships with other parents, teachers, coaches,
school administrators, and children other than yours--any
other person in your child's world.
You leave your adolescence with a sigh of relief--you think
you never have to revisit it--but you're mistaken. You don't
just relive it through your children; you also have
countless opportunities to experience it all over again as a
parent. These are the moments of growth that we all dread so
much: You think you've gotten past your adolescent
insecurities, but then you have kids and all your emotional
maturity flies right out the window. Of course, parenting
can bring out the best in us--but we also have to admit that
it can sometimes bring out the worst. At the root of our
actions lies a deep-seated need to belong. Let's take a
closer look at this need.
Back-to-School Night: Night Out or Nightmare?
Let's review the rite of passage I mentioned in the
Introduction: Back-to-School Night. I asked parents to tell
me how they felt about that night, and you'd be hard-pressed
to tell some of their responses apart from those of seventh
graders.
Do Parents Worry About How They Look?
You want to look put together because you're going to see a
lot of people you know. Virginia, middle school mom.
I got dressed up to the nines but one step down because I
didn't want to look like I tried too hard. Don, middle school
dad.
I don't need to dress up for Back-to-School Night because I
work. Alex, middle school mom (oblivious to
the fact that she was dressed in her power suit).
Do Parents Worry About Running into Other Parents?
My daughter was in a special-needs class and I was
apprehensive because I thought everyone would know she was
the one who needs the extra help. I was embarrassed or
ashamed that somehow it was a reflection on me as being a
bad parent. Jose, middle school dad
Do Parents Worry About Whether They'll Fit In?
What sticks out is how uncomfortable I felt. The teacher
asked if there were any questions and I had one, but I
didn't ask because I was worried that people would think I
was an inattentive father. Ronald, middle school dad
I walked into the school and everyone else knew each
other--except for me. I just leaned against the wall and
thought, "I'm sunk." Arlene, elementary and middle school mom
Excerpted from Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads by
Rosalind Wiseman with Elizabeth Rapoport Copyright ©
2006 by Rosalind Wiseman. Excerpted by permission of
Crown, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights
reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or
reprinted without permission in writing from the
publisher.
