Some of my dreams are so vivid, so full of color, so real that I can't believe I'm dreaming. When I wake up, my eyes are wet with tears. My heart is banging against my ribs. I tell myself, It was only a dream, Farah, only a dream....And it might or might not comfort me. It depends, because I do dream about dead people so much. I stroll with them. I talk with them. I hold them in my arms. They are all alive inside me, still. My father and grandmother appear to me, and they are reaching out and beckoning to me, murmuring softly, Come, Farah. Come be with us now! During the dream these images do not frighten me. I love my father, and I'm so glad to see him. His voice comforts me. But when I wake up in the morning, I remember what people say about the dead beckoning to you in your dreams: that it means you are going to die soon yourself. That's when I tremble.
But it's all in my head. That's what I have to keep telling myself. I'm safe in America now...and besides, they're not all terrible, the dreams I have. Lately, I dream that I've grown wings sometimes. I have feathers. I can fly. I love those dreams! I'm soaring overhead, and people are all pointing to me and exclaiming, Look! It's Farah! She can fly! Farah can fly!
I wake up with a glad heart then and feel that I am flying in some sense: flying into my future-and yet-the past won't let me go. Not completely. Not yet.
Text copyright (c) 2005 by Nestegg Productions LLC.
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The Angel of Losses
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