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Mercy Train
A poignant look at three generations struggling with loss and love.
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Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

Created: 06/03/12

Replies: 14

Posted Jun. 03, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
admin

Join Date: 10/11/10

Posts: 369

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Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

Iris tells Sam that women don’t know what they will be like as mothers. Why do you think she tells her
this? Do you think this is true? Do women really have no control over the mothers they become?


Posted Jun. 05, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
elizabethm

Join Date: 06/05/12

Posts: 35

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

I am not a mother and so I may not have the expertise to answer this question accurately. However, when I consider the parenting styles of my mother and grandmother I think that my mother developed a parenting style, probably unconsciously, that was in direct response to what she felt was missing from the way she was parented by her mother.
I think in this way that Iris is accurate that it is very difficult to be a mother without having your own mother have some effect on you.


Posted Jun. 05, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
peg

Join Date: 08/11/11

Posts: 29

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

I am the mother of four and I do believe my mother greatly influenced my parenting as a mother.her love for me is still with me 20 years after her death and I hope I have been able to achieve that with my children.

There of course are differences reflecting genereation and era differences but her underlying faith and believe in me is somethng I hope to have emulated.


Posted Jun. 05, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
annar

Join Date: 06/13/11

Posts: 31

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

I have two adult children and four grandchildren. I think I learned a lot from my Mother and Morther-in-law. I don't agree that women have no control over the mothers they become. My mothering style was my own.


Posted Jun. 06, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
terrio

Join Date: 08/16/11

Posts: 41

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

I don't agree that women have no control over the mothers they become. A woman can certainly be influenced by her own mother and grandmothers (both positively and negatively). But ultimately, aren't her actions and attitudes as a mother a result of her own choices?


Posted Jun. 06, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
joyces

Join Date: 06/16/11

Posts: 209

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RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

I definitely think we have control over the type of mother we become. Having had a really good childhood I was determined to do the same for my children but I did a lot of things much differently than my mom. Not because her way was wrong but my own personality, life situation and the times I was raising children were different. I watch my daughter with her two very small children now and she does some things differently than I did but she is a really good, loving mom and I can find no fault in what she is doing.


Posted Jun. 10, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
joycew

Join Date: 06/13/11

Posts: 29

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

Yes and No. You always have choices that you make which determine your style. Every mother tries to be a good mother but personalities of children can make a big difference in your relationship with them. Also, some women are best at cuddling babies, others are best at doing activities and still others cannot really relate until the child is grown and they can have an adult relationship. There are a lot more resources out there now than when I was a young mother. I feel I was winging it and now they know all the details of each phase a child goes through at each age. Joycew


Posted Jun. 10, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
lisag

Join Date: 01/12/12

Posts: 298

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RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

There are a lot of factors at play here. Those who had positive role models are, I believe, a bit ahead of the game as far as recognizing how family life is ideally structured. If they're still living near their families that's another reinforcement and an asset to all involved. This seems like an ideal situation, raising extended family together, but I don't see this happening as much today as it once did. Families seem to spread out much further, out of choice or necessity. Having that solid support system close families bring could have a lot of impact on parenting styles, ideally lowering some of the stress experienced by feeling cut off and isolated, with no one you trust to give advice, etc. Then again, I'm sure even close families get a little tired of each other sometimes!


Posted Jun. 10, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
Navy Mom

Join Date: 04/12/12

Posts: 93

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RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

I think that we do have control over who we become as mothers. Sometimes we may sound and act like our own mothers because they were our role models but sometimes there are other women in our lives that are also role models and we might also draw from that. I also think we learn from how we were mothered. We may say we are never going to be like that to our children. I think being a mother is something that can evolve and changes as we age. I was different with my oldest son who was born when I was 27 compared to my youngest who was born when I was 41. I think Iris didn't know who she was was and so she didn't know how to help Sam discover who she was. Iris sounded a lot like my mom, maybe they were a product of the time.


Posted Jun. 19, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
lisag

Join Date: 01/12/12

Posts: 298

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RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

As a side note: having the choice and making the right one are two very different things. Who among us has never taken the wrong path? Ultimately, do we actually have real control over anything or is it a delusion? Thinking about how you would mother a child is one thing, doing it quite another. The realities of life are something few fully realize.

What would you tell a teenager who's gotten pregnant - on purpose or by accident - and have a set idea it will all be a wonderful experience?


Posted Jun. 20, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
dhaupt

Join Date: 06/20/12

Posts: 10

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

I don't agree, I think it's just as much nurture as nature and I also believe that in our human nature we want to alter our own mothering as to how we were raised.


Posted Jun. 20, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
jeanettel

Join Date: 01/05/12

Posts: 19

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

No, I don’t believe that, of course it helps if your mother was a caring, nurturing mother, then you want to follow in her footsteps. I believe most women have a strong mothering instinct that helps in the very difficult but also fulfilling journey of raising a child.


Posted Jun. 21, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
aprilp

Join Date: 06/21/12

Posts: 6

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

This question addresses the nature vs. nurture debate to some extent. I think both nature and nurture have a part in what type of mother we are going to be. I am a mother and all of my sister-in-laws are mothers and it is very interesting for me to see what type of mothers they are and look at their mother compared to my mother. We are all very different mothers but do have a few core values that are the same and yet we all make very different types of choices everyday in regards to our children. I see their mothering styles somewhat mimicking their own mothers actions but I also see them internally fighting to NOT parent like their mother did with them and yet one of them fights it so much it seems she has followed her mothers footsteps to a T!! This is a very interesting question, one that could take on a life of its own!


Posted Jun. 23, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
joang

Join Date: 05/17/12

Posts: 5

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

I believe there are always choices...but the choices we make our based on our inherent personalities and how we were (or not) mothered. Hence the nature vs nurture question raised. Motherhood is almost always romanticized, then the reality hits...sleep deprivation, crying babies, work, daycare (or not), mommy time, anxiety etc. Mothers do love unconditionally but how we mother becomes a product of all of this and how we do it is based on choices..it is not beyond anything we cannot control...I believe that "mothering" is a style.. and mothers do it the best way they can given the circumstances at the time.


Posted Jun. 23, 2012 Go to Top | Bottom | link | alert
raynat

Join Date: 02/29/12

Posts: 22

RE: Do you agree with Iris that women have no control over the mothers they become?

I believe women have control over how they become as mothers and many other things they control in their lives. However they don't control how their children turn out whether good nor bad even great upbringing.

I also agree with many of the posts that I had trouble following the characters with the jumping back and forth.


I identified with Caroline since I am also an adoptive mother. Although I didn't feel anything like her. I was ready to be a mother and took it on with a positive attitude. Also I don't approve of open adoption so I wouldn't like all the people in the story to be involved in our lives.

I loaned this book to several of my friends and they just said it was O.K. I liked the book and wanted to find out how they all interacted with each other even though I wouldn't like that for my life.

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